A Diary

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19 Feb

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Each day brings forth fresh tortures for the soul. You think each day is going to be better, it isn't, it never is. But sometimes you look out of the window or some strain of an old song catches you and it's the school holidays all over again. Fresh orange juice in a glass, any takers. You think you know, but you never, nobody ever knows, it's not in the book or anything else. Hope will bring you nowhere, neither will despair. Twisted fragments of your imagination slip in and out of your dreams, telling you, tell you just shut up will you. It's not as if there's any standard for truth ever, who holds the cards? Who's next? Deal and be done with it. Uncertainty brings first fear, then knowledge, then despair, then a soul crunching realisation it's all you have. Nothing could get better, not the days, nor the night

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3 March

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I really thought I was going to die today, the ecstasy was too much, my will crumbled and I felt my grasp on life slipping, fast, then a stab of pain brought me back to the world. It was the light of day

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17 March

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Repress the memory of days and nights and let time pass. Repress pleasure and let the clouds pass in front o. Repress pain an dyou will know. Truth has a price. It's called endurance.

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21 March

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I woke up this morning looking at the ceiling, whitewashed, again and wondered, how long is this going to last, how long can I last, I looked at myself in the mirror and then stopped because it was too much.

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1 April

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Walking alone on a morning in the mountains, a man fishing in the river, workmen by the river bank, the sky blue and hungry, breathing, a car passed and I waved.

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20 April

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The dog am I and I am the dog.

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25 April

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I I I I I I I I I I I I, YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU

YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU

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29 April

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YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

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30 April

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NOW

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